A definitive guide of your lovemaking skills based on where you went to eat last night

This isn’t my usual style, so if you’re expecting one of my parenting rants or #BlackLivesMatter type subject matter, come back later. But i’ve been ever so inspired by Beyonce’s surprise single Formation that I couldn’t let the masses go without knowing how THEY measure up in the real world based on the scale she set forth. I don’t mean the political part of it, I’m talking about one specific reference. “When he f* me good, I take his a$$ to Red Lobster.”

There it is: We finally have the restaurant equivalent of good lovin’. Red Lobster. I get it; they have those unlimited shrimp promotions and cheddar bay biscuits. What’s not to like?

Image credit: Giphy 

Anyway, it raises the question: Where do I fall in scale? I’m glad you asked. I gotchu.

1. Red Lobster: We already know what this means. Top of the line lovin’. It’s no chopper to the mall to buy some Jordans, but you’ll get unlimited biscuits, which in and of itself is nothing short of amazing. Then they got that bomb coconut shrimp, the Admiral’s Feast, which is like every under-the-sea thing EVER deep fried. Add a Mai Tai and a Hurricane and you got yourself a feast!
2. Applebee’s: I mean, you did alright. You showed up for the game, made a few good plays but you didn’t win the Super Bowl. You can still get a good signature cocktail, but no matter what, you’ll be seated in a booth and we’ll probably order off the 2 for $20 menu (which is actually a real steal because you get appetizers, entree AND a dessert).
3. Buffalo Wild Wings: You didn’t MAKE it to the Super Bowl, but you did pretty good in the playoffs. You’ll probably spend the same amount of money, but do you really think you deserve an actual entree? Nah. Get you some wings and some buffalo chips and call it a night. Ok, get a beer, but it better not be a craft beer.
4. Chipotle: Inconsistent performance. The toppings are there. They’re usually delicious. But sometimes you have to close because you’re making people sick.
5. Chick-fil-A: OK. Chick-fil-A is good, don’t get me wrong. But we aren’t going in and don’t even think I’m springing for the lemonade.
6. Subway: Meh. One step above a sandwich you’d make at the house. And it’s only a step above because you didn’t have to make it yourself.
7. Frozen dinner: Subpar. Go to the freezer and grab a Lean Cuisuine, a Hot Pocket or some fish sticks.
8. Jack in the Box: Horrible. Grab something on your way out the door and call me tomorrow.I’ll be at Red Lobster.